The Pi Monster
rating: +1+x
Item Number: SCP-4628 Level 2/4628
Object Class: Euclid Classified

scp-3628.jpg

SCP-4628


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4628 is contained within Area-75. Area-75 consists of a 1 km2 exclusion zone surrounding a nondescript cabin approximately 20 km north-northwest of North Bay, Ontario. Area-75 is maintained under the guise of a dedicated protected area administered by the Government of Ontario. SCP-4628 requested for the cabin to contain the following items, which have been transcribed verbatim:

  • One pantry, to storing the unmade yum
  • One oven, to baking the yum
  • One fridge, to storing the uneated (not likely) yum
  • One toilet, to fertilizing after eating the yum
  • One bed, to sleeping when not baking the yum

SCP-4628's assigned Containment Specialist is to ensure that the cabin is stocked with cooking ingredients related to pies at all times. The Containment Specialist and any accompanying personnel are to retain a Cognitohazardous Resistance Value (CRV) of no less than 16.

A list of basic pie ingredients are as follows:

  • unbaked pie crusts
  • white sugar
  • all-purpose flour
  • eggs
  • dairy butter
  • vanilla extract
  • ground cinnamon
  • ground nutmeg
  • whole apples
  • assorted pecans
  • strawberries

Additional ingredients are to be provided to SCP-4628 upon request. Examples of additional ingredients include mashed pumpkin, rhubarb stalks, and key lime. Ingredients associated within Lemon Meringue Pie are to be denied.

Update: As of May 21st, 2018, SCP-4628 has been supplied with all known aired viewings of "The Joy of Painting", hosted by painter and art instructor Bob Ross. Viewings are stored on a 500 GB USB 3.0 Hard Drive linked to a laptop with no internet capabilities.

Description: SCP-4628 is a 2 m tall Ursus americanus americanus (American Black Bear) weighing approximately 240 kg.

SCP-4628 deviates from behaviour consistent with baseline American Black Bears. SCP-4628 consumes varieties of confections, focused on various typesof pies. When not exposed to pie-related sustenance, it is not uncommon for SCP-4628 to cultivate ingredients typical to pies, which occurs regardless of if these materials are available.

SCP-4628 retains moderate knowledge of the culinary arts. After extensive consumption of its prepared food, SCP-4628 has been observed to enter a period of extended hibernation. SCP-4628 has been noted to have a psychological dependency on the nature of pie, pie ingredients, pie recipes, and any other phenomena including or incurring pie. SCP-4628 will not refuse any form of pie. Pies tested for consumption include Bacon Pot Pie, Tuna Eyeballs Pie, and Funeral Pie.

SCP-4628 displays near-human intelligence and is capable of speech in three languages, including English, Québécois French, and a region-specific dialect of Ojibwe. All references made to its person conform to the name "Pi Monster" or any variation thereof.

58% of persons in the immediate vicinity of SCP-4628 report feeling a sense of immense fright, and experience increased blood pressure and perspiration. 71% of persons report feeling less apprehensive and more welcoming of SCP-4628 during or after physical contact. These effects align with a Class-II cognitohazard associated with SCP-4628.

Persons in the immediate vicinity of SCP-4628 become violent towards math-related phenomena, which includes the precise measurements used in cooking. Due to this, no persons are to aid SCP-4628 with cooking at any time, to which SCP-4628 has relayed the following message:

Pi Monster is given the sads. Pi Monster want only the friend and the compassions. Pi Monster will do the secret recipe to make glads. And Pi Monster keep lemony custard delicious all to self!

Despite its cognitohazardous effects, SCP-4628 displays no known hostile behaviour.

Addendum 4628.1 — Discovery:

VIDEO LOG


Note: The following transcripts were recorded shortly after the discovery of SCP-4628 on July 8th, 2016.


<Begin Log>

Field Agent Eleanor Shack: What is that thing? Are you getting this, Command?

SCP-4628 approaches Agent Shack.

SCP-4628: Me? Me be the Pi Monster. Want hug?

Agent Shack: Stand down, you beast. Command, do you read? I'm being attacked by an unknown anomalous entity. Memetic hazards have been registered.

SCP-4628: Attacks? Pi Monster have zero attacks. Pi Monster want pies. Do you have pies? I can eat it, real quick, let me show you!

Agent Shack: Command, do you copy? Command? I'm going to die out here, aren't I?

SCP-4628: Why are you doing the shouts? You are really in needing of the hugs. Come. Close. Warmth.

Agent Shack: Stand down, you furry freak.

Agent Shack brandishes her firearm and points it directly at SCP-4628. SCP-4628 retreats within the premises of its cabin.

<End Log>

Shortly after the first contact with SCP-4628, MTF-Digamma-1 ("Mondays on the Alex Jones Show") was dispatched to contain the entity.

VIDEO LOG


<Begin Log>

MTF-Digamma-1a: Field Agent Shack, are you still in action? We received your distress beacon and have been deployed to assist.

Field Agent Eleanor Shack: Negative, Digamma-1a, I'm stable. I just encountered an unknown entity. Goddamn is it terrifying.

Digamma-1a: Acknowledged. Digamma-1b, please retrieve Field Agent Shack, but exercise moderate caution. The suspect is armed and dangerous.

Agent Shack: Suspect? What suspect? I have a right to know what you're referring to, Digamma-1a.

Digamma-1a: I repeat. Digamma-1b, the subject is armed with an unregistered handgun and is increasing in hostility. The suspect appears to have colluded with unregistered anomaly 4628.

Field Agent Shack: Stand down, I'm innocent.

Digamma-1b: This is Digamma-1b. I'm on scene and have made full preparations to contain the suspect.

Digamma-1a: Good work, Digamma-1b. Restrain her.

SCP-4628 approaches Digamma-1b from behind.

Agent Shack: Digamma-1b, watch out!

SCP-4628: You have a long face. You want pies? Pi Monster just cooks it. Cook marathon!

At this point, SCP-4628 retrieves an instance of a pie-like substance. After a moment of hesitation on the part of Digamma-1b, a large quantity of the substance is thrust into his mouth.

SCP-4628: Delicious, huh? Is Karo Pecan!

Digamma-1a: Digamma-1b has been compromised. Command, I'm retrieving the suspect and requesting an immediate exit strategy.

<End Log>

All personnel identified in the initial correspondence with SCP-4628 have been amnesticized. Field Agent Eleanor Shack was contained in the Hostile Humanoids Wing of Site-82 until it was determined that parties on-location had been exposed to a Class II cognitohazard, and has since been released.

Addendum 4628.2: On July 9th, 2016, Specialist Lauderdale, who specializes in encounters with bears, was requested for immediate field deployment to survey the perceived threat caused by SCP-4628. The following is a transcript of his encounter.

VIDEO LOG


<Begin Log>

Specialist Lauderdale: I've located the structure. It's in there. Requesting to move up, Command, do you read?

Command: REQUEST CONFIRMED. APPROACH WHEN PREPARED.

Lauderdale approached the structure until he was 5 meters from the entrance.

Specialist Lauderdale: Command, the entity is attempting to leave the structure. I repeat, the entity is on the move.

Command: ACKNOWLEDGED. ENTITY IS EXTREMELY HOSTILE. MAKE YOUR WAY TO A MINIMUM SAFE DISTANCE OF 20 METERS.

At this point, SCP-4628 exits the structure. Lauderdale, 8 meters from the structure, makes an attempt to facilitate communication with the entity.

Specialist Lauderdale: SCP-4628. You have been authorized to stand down.

SCP-4628: Visitors? Yay! Pi Monster thinks big new recipes. You makes good cooks?

Lauderdale moves to a distance of 10 meters away from the entity. SCP-4628 approaches Lauderdale.

Specialist Lauderdale: I said stand down, dammit. I've got bear spray, and I'm not afraid to use it. Have you ever had a taste of 15ccs of full-fledged all-Canadian mace?

Lauderdale continues to attempt a retreat. SCP-4628 quickly approaches Lauderdale and makes physical contact before wrapping its arms around Lauderdale.

SCP-4628: I give the happy. No cryings now. Me need a partner for the cooks.

Closing Statement: At this point, Lauderdale seems to have voluntarily entered the structure. Specialist Lauderdale has been considered lost.

<End Log>

The following is an audio transcript of events transpiring within the structure.

AUDIO LOG


<Begin Log>

Specialist Lauderdale: Hey, this place isn't so bad. Is that a cedar finish?

SCP-4628: Me build everything you see. But, me prefer the cooks. Cooks are like mini houses, but for the yums. See? Pi Monster requires the helps. You can give?

Specialist Lauderdale: Sure thing, buddy. I can't deny that you are cute. Command, if you read, I'm currently inside the structure. Bear spray has been pocketed. I'm approaching the oven.

SCP-4628: Me gives you the supply list. Holds?

Specialist Lauderdale: I've got it. Thanks. So it's "Pi Monster" you go by? Can I consider this information factual?

SCP-4628: Yes. Me cooks the pies, but pies requiring hard looks at long lists. Pi Monster writes the lists, but Pi Monster not very good with the reads. Pi Monster bad at the reads.

Specialist Lauderdale: What the fuck is this?

SCP-4628: Pi Monster writes all own ingredients. But counts are the hard. You can help?

Specialist Lauderdale: Stand the fuck back. Are these numbers?

SCP-4628: Loudness is bads. Please do not be alarm. Pi Monster administer bigger hugs?

Specialist Lauderdale: Absolutely not. Get me out of here, dammit.

Specialist Lauderdale: I hate math. Command, please. MTF-Digamma-1, Command, anybody. This sick deviant is getting me to do math. And I don't want to!

Specialist Lauderdale: I know bears, dammit, not math. You sycophants hear me? Is it—am I still live? And this workmanship is terrible. What even is Strawberry Rhubarb? Who signed me up for this dumb hipster shit? I'm going out, buddy, and you're going down with me.

SCP-4628: No, Pi Monster suggest different pies. Lemon Meringue never causing the sads. Me have a batch right here!

Specialist Lauderdale: You disgust me.

<End Log>


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