Hippo 2

[BEGIN LOG.]

[Camera feed displays interior of decontamination chamber. Four members of MTF Zeta-9 ("Mole Rats") — ALPHA, BETA, GAMMA, and DELTA — are seated. They appear to be in good health.]

BETA: — asks him, 'where the hell have you been this whole game?!', and he says —

ALPHA: "Putting on my cleats".

GAMMA: Jesus.

DELTA: (laughing) Oh, my God.

BETA: You shit. You stole my punch-line.

ALPHA: I heard that one in grade school, prick.

GAMMA: That's got to be —

DELTA: (laughing) You are no longer allowed to tell jokes.

GAMMA: — got to be the Daddiest Dad-Joke I've ever heard.

BETA: Well, my kid loved it.

GAMMA: I bet he does. Jesus, just hearing that joke makes me feel like I need a pregnancy test.

BETA: Whoa —

DELTA: (laughing) Careful, now.

GAMMA: What?

[ALPHA stands and presses the intercom button.]

ALPHA: Command, this is Alpha, come back.

GAMMA: (confused) What? What I say?

DELTA: Just, y'know. Don't say, uh, shit like that.

[COMMAND responds via radio.]

COMMAND: This is Command, come back.

ALPHA: How much longer before we're through with decontamination?

GAMMA: Like what? I can't make a joke about his Dad-jokes being so bad they could make a lady pregnant?

COMMAND: Just ten more minutes, Alpha. Over.

ALPHA: Understood, Command. Alpha, out.

BETA: It's not —

DELTA: You don't want to talk about, uh, shit like — it's bad luck, okay? Especially right after a mission. Ain't you ever seen Alien?

GAMMA: Jesus, you fucks and your superstitious —

ALPHA: Change the subject.

GAMMA: — yeah. Right. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

BETA: Nah, it's fine.

DELTA: We are definitely superstitious.

BETA: And fucks. We are definitely fucks.

DELTA: (gesturing to BETA) He's at least half a fuck.

GAMMA: And the commander?

BETA: Oh, she's precisely zero fucks.

GAMMA: (turning to ALPHA) Impressive. How'd you manage that, sir?

DELTA: Because she's —

ALPHA: — got no more fucks left to give.

BETA: A regular fuck-famine, she is.

GAMMA: (laughing) Do you just finish everyone's punchlines, sir?

BETA: It's her goddamn super-power.

ALPHA: Really useful at parties. So, hey. We've got about ten more minutes in here. We —

[DELTA starts to twitch.]

ALPHA: — should… uh, you okay over there, bud?

BETA: (touching DELTA's shoulder) Hey, what's —

[DELTA froths at the mouth.]

GAMMA: Oh, fuck. Jesus —

[DELTA collapses to the floor. He proceeds to undergo a grand mal seizure.]

GAMMA: Jesus!

BETA: Fuck!

[ALPHA moves to the intercom and presses the button.]

ALPHA: Get him on his side, but otherwise stay clear of him. Command, this is Alpha, we have a medical emergency in here. Delta is having some sort of seizure. Come back.

[BETA crouches besides DELTA and pushes him to his side. GAMMA stands up and approaches. BETA motions her away.]

BETA: Stay back, alright? Keep your distance from him.

GAMMA: Oh fuck. Jesus. Oh, fuck, this isn't — I'm so sorry, this isn't going to be like the scene in Alien is it —

BETA: Relax. Relax, it's probably just a normal seizure, okay? People have normal seizures.

COMMAND: (unintelligible)

ALPHA: Command, this is Alpha, I didn't hear that. Come back?

COMMAND: Alpha, this is Command, stand by. We're, uh. We're talking to one of our technicians, we think there might have been a problem with the — (unintelligible) — uh, right, uh, just please stand by. Over.

GAMMA: Technicians? This is a seizure, not a fucking blue-screen-of-death! Send in a doctor!

[Several hundred centimeter-thick shards (later identified as crystalized blood) extrude from DELTA's pores, forming a complex geometric pattern which rapidly intersects with BETA.]

BETA: (gurgling)

GAMMA: What the fuck is —

[BETA, now perforated, also undergoes a grand mal seizure.]

ALPHA: (screaming) Get the fuck away from —

COMMAND: (muffled) — hit the abort —

[END LOG.]


[BEGIN LOG.]

[Camera feed displays interior of decontamination chamber. Four members of MTF Zeta-9 ("Mole Rats") — ALPHA, BETA, GAMMA, and DELTA — are seated. They appear to be in good health.]

BETA: — asks him, 'where have you been this whole time?!', and he says —

ALPHA: "Putting on my cleats".

GAMMA: Jesus.

DELTA: (laughing) Oh, my God.

BETA: You fuck. You stole my punch-line.

ALPHA: I heard that one in kindergarten, you prick.

GAMMA: That's gotta be —

DELTA: (laughing)

GAMMA: — got to be the Daddiest Dad-Joke I've ever heard.

BETA: My kids love it.

GAMMA: I bet. Jesus, just hearing that joke makes me pregnant.

BETA: Whoa.

DELTA: (laughing) Oh, my God.

GAMMA: What?

[ALPHA stands and presses the intercom button.]

ALPHA: Command, this is Alpha, come back.

GAMMA: What?

DELTA: (laughing) Oh, my God.

[COMMAND responds via radio.]

COMMAND: Uh, this is Command. Come back.

ALPHA: How much longer before we're through with this?

GAMMA: Like what? I can't joke about impregnation?

COMMAND: Probably just, uh, just ten more minutes, Alpha. Over.

ALPHA: Understood, Command. Alpha, out.

BETA: It's not that.

DELTA: (laughing) Oh, my God.

GAMMA: Jesus, you fucks and your superstitious —

ALPHA: Change the subject.

GAMMA: — yeah. Right. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

BETA: Nah, it's fine.

DELTA: (laughing)

BETA: And fucks. We're definitely fucks.

DELTA: (gesturing to BETA, laughing)

GAMMA: And the commander?

BETA: Oh, she's precisely zero fucks.

GAMMA: (turning to ALPHA) Impressive. How'd you manage that, sir?

DELTA: (laughing)

ALPHA: I got no more fucks left to give.

BETA: A fucking fuck-famine, she is.

GAMMA: (laughing) You just finish everyone's punchlines?

BETA: It's her super-power.

ALPHA: Really useful at parties. So, hey. We've got about —

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