Nanny McSCP
rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-N

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures:

SCP-N is to be held at site of origin in Fairbanks, Alaska. A single D-Class is to pose as the deceased SCP-N-A, dressing in the same clothes and performing the same general tasks as SCP-N-A. These tasks include making the bed, laundry, and any other tasks SCP-N assigns to them.

Should the current D-Class be unable to perform the duties of SCP-N-A, they are to be replaced with another D-Class who can.

Description: SCP-N and SCP-N-A are two humanoid creatures of extra dimensional origin.

Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]

Petrograd: Relatively minor comment:

SCP-2917 has never been observed to leave the boundaries of the house, despite a constant supply of food and water.

This sentence doesn't make any sense.

Bigger issues:
There are some logical gaps. For example, how do they not know what it looks like, only that it takes a "roughly humanoid shape", when they have exact records of its speech and behavior in a wide variety of circumstances over periods of decades?

Moreover… The base story here is some kind of reality bender/manifestation that has dementia and cares for a selected person who they believe is their specific child and causes glitches in reality (side note: disintegrating all matter is a really boring effect) when that person doesn't behave how they expect.

That story has… minor potential. It could be told in an interesting way. Here, when you belt it by just stating events line-by-line as concrete facts of things that happen to -A, it just doesn't work. The clinical tone and format of a description just isn't designed to communicate events like that, especially when there are so many examples. It's a major "show, don't tell" problem. I'm not saying those examples aren't good or don't help, but just laying them out takes too much space, doesn't progress in a story-like manner, and doesn't evoke any emotion. A table or log would be a better approach.

I don't 100% think just rearranging that would "fix" this. There's got to me some kind of obfuscation or action or something else to get this story across in a novel and interesting way, something to keep this from feeling like SCP-2249 stapled to SCP-2605 with a mother complex. Until I saw the story expressed differently, I wouldn't know if it had met that bar.

Joreth: There's some very sweet elements to this - especially the birthday part - but there's a lot lacking in the narrative to make this interesting.

This could really benefit into more detail and more backstory - right now the SCP itself is really unclear what it even is. It's a roughly humanoid entity - and from the logs it indicates that it has some sort of sentience, so why not go more into that? How are the -A instances chosen - just random civilians would walk in? Also, what do you mean by "deviating behavior"? I'm assuming from the containment procedures you're indicating it's chores and stuff - but that was never really clear, and the spheres were really not that interesting at all

Right now half of the article is really unnecessary details, but it has potential to work.

Koalaim: Tone is a bit off. Mildly awkward phrasing and sentence structure. Mild grammatical issues. Using the SCP designation and its derivatives over and over and over makes the description confusing and unpleasant to read. Should simplify concept and reword to avoid this. Not very interesting due to excessive detail and no hook. The destructive spheres seem out of place, but developing the narrative through vignettes could work. Have to downvote as is. -1

Ogilvy: It's well enough written, just lacking an interesting factor. It's too structured to something and the anomalous properties aren't elaborated upon. It also lacks any sort of creepiness besides dementia. I would suggest removing some of the details and add an interview.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License